Money can be a triggering topic for couples, and it can be hard to know how to talk to your spouse about money without fighting. Whether you want to plan for the future, pay off debt, or make big financial decisions, having your spouse on board is essential.
The trouble comes in when spouses have varying ideas of handling money, contrasting upbringings, or a big difference in spending habits. Fortunately, there is a way to talk to your spouse about money without fighting. It may just take a bit of planning and practice.
Honest Communication Can Help
On the surface, many couples think they communicate well about their finances, but a recent Fidelity study shares a different story. According to their 2024 Couples & Money Study, 9 in 10 couples say they communicate well about money. Still, when presented with another question about resentment, over 25% of respondents said they resent when their spouse leaves them out of financial decisions.
The Fidelity survey, in its eighth installment, is unique because each couple answers questions together but also individually. This enables researchers to see what might be hidden beneath the surface.
For example, 60% of couples said they share the same vision for retirement, but when asked separately, over half said they disagree on how much money they should save for retirement. Furthermore, of those surveyed, 45% of partners say they argue about money, and 25% list money as their greatest relationship challenge.
Because many couples seem to have more money strain than meets the eye, a good anecdote is honest communication. Money is a raw and triggering topic. Chances are, each spouse learned about money at different times in different ways. For some, money represents security. For others, it’s a tool for freedom and fun.
Understanding how your other half views money and how their money beliefs came to be can go a long way in preventing arguments. Painful as it may be at first, sitting down and having a heart-to-heart about money and calling it a money date can be the first step to money harmony. Here are some tips on how to talk about money without arguing.
Schedule Your Money Conversation
Some people call it a money date. Others might dub it a budget meeting or a money conversation. Whatever you want to name your money chat is up to you. What’s more important is that you add it to the calendar.
After all, it’s hard to have conversations about anything without being interrupted by kids or work calls. To avoid frustration, put the money date on the calendar. Try to schedule it for the following week. If one spouse is particularly anxious about money, waiting several weeks for the money date could cause stress.
The spouse who picks the date should communicate to the other that it’s an opportunity to discuss goals, dreams, and what you want to accomplish as a couple. It's not a time for finger-pointing or guilt. It’s a time to come together and discuss as a team how you want to move forward and succeed financially together.
Like many other things, it’s very important to keep your date once it’s on the calendar. Commitment to your money chat and the time you choose shows commitment to your future plans. And, commitment to your future plans can go a long way in helping you to talk to your spouse about money without fighting.
Prep For The Conversation
On the day of the conversation, do some prep work. Plan to have your budget meeting in a comfortable spot. Order your favorite takeout. Some couples even enjoy a glass of wine.
The point is to take a topic that might be uncomfortable and make it into something you look forward to. For example, if you're trying to pay off debt and avoiding eating meals out, having takeout during your money date makes it a special treat.
Ultimately, setting the tone and prepping for your conversation can help it to go smoothly.
Create A Plan For Conflict
Conflict will happen, especially if you’re in the midst of money struggles. Even an outstanding takeout meal can’t mask hurt feelings and resentment that might come up. So, plan how you’ll handle it ahead of time.
Your plan for when things get tense can be as silly as making a secret handshake that you must get up and do when an argument starts. If things get especially bitter, you can plan to get up and leave the room for a mental break for ten minutes and then come back. This can diffuse the situation and allow each person to collect their thoughts.
Even if your money date goes smoothly, it’s always good to talk about how you’ll handle challenges if they come up. Having a plan can diffuse an argument before one starts.
Define Common Financial Goals
Now that you’ve prepped for your conversation, made a plan for when conflicts arise, and found a way to make your money date special, it’s time to actually talk about money. It’s a good idea to start your conversation by asking about goals.
Each person can list goals they hope to achieve individually and together. By allowing each partner to talk about their individual goals and hopes for a joint future, you show that you each value what's important to the other in life.
Additionally, keeping your goals at the forefront can help when making sacrifices is hard. It can be challenging to pay off your debt, achieve Coast FIRE or become mortgage free, but remembering why you’re doing it can help during the more difficult times.
Begin Talking About Steps To Achieve Those Goals
Once you know your goals, list the steps to achieve them together. Whether creating a detailed financial plan, tracking your spending, or sticking to a budget, discuss ways to make your dreams happen.
This is also a good time to talk about personal spending and autonomy. Some couples agree that each person gets an allowance to spend as they wish, no questions asked. Others with more aligned spending habits might say spouses can spend at their discretion but have to ask the other if they want to spend more than $100 on something.
Each couple’s needs will be different, but finding ways to give each person autonomy while working together can help avoid big arguments.
Keep Each Other Accountable
Once you have a plan in place, keep each other accountable. It’s best to be each other's cheerleaders on the journey rather than a person who points out when their spouse has fallen off the plan.
To keep each other accountable, create a list of rewards you’ll get after reaching specific milestones. For example, maybe you’ll get to eat out at a restaurant for every $5,000 of debt you pay off. This can help you keep each other motivated.
Schedule Your Next Conversation
Finally, schedule your next conversation at the end of each money chat. The key is consistency. The more you meet and work together, the more you’ll develop a common goal. Keeping that sense of teamwork alive can help you talk to your spouse about money without fighting now and into the future.
Disagreements happen with couples, and it’s normal to have different belief systems, especially regarding money. However, if you can find a way to respect each other’s opinions, find commonalities, and set goals together, you can plan for a solid financial future without the major arguments along the way.
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Are you and your spouse having difficulty talking about money? Or what steps have you taken to make the process easier?
Please let us know in the comments below.
